I met her again just recently, after she self-admitted into the behavioral health unit. As she shared her story, she described her stack of losses - death of father, divorce, estrangement of daughter, death of new husband, loss of job, lack of financial support - and all that contributed to her emotions getting out of control. "There is this big boulder sitting on top of my life. I just want to be me again and I don't know how to do that!"
This conversation resonated so deeply for me because I, too, feel the weight of stacked losses. It hit a nerve for me. I have my list of losses and we connected in that.
Perhaps God is the boulder that is sitting on top of my life, I wrote in my journal. I wonder if this boulder is keeping me from flying around, from getting busy. Or as we say in 12-step programs, "don't just do something, sit there."
I imagine that God is saying, "I am heavy for a reason. I am holding you down to the ground of all being - the source from whom all good things flow and that is right here, right now."
O God, you are weighing me down,
Every part of me is heavy,
even my tears fall.
And, God, there is heaviness in my heart.
The losses seem to be stacked up.
Teach me, O Lord, how to be with you.
Oh Holy One, do not forsake me;* be not far from me, O my God. Ps 38:21
What is your lament, in this moment?